Last night I was doing really well, cooking dinner and lunches for the next day, doing the dishes and cleaning up after the dogs, all in a cheerful mood. Until he told me he was going to go the the living room to play his new game. I was sad that he wouldn't stay and talk to me while I'm doing so well in the kitchen!! Then when I finish dinner more quickly than I thought I would he came and sat and started reading just as I was opening my mouth to say something about my day...
"Oh. I guess you aren't in the mood to talk"
Book slams shut. "I'm really too hungry to talk, I'll talk with you after I eat."
"I didn't know talking while eating was such a big deal."
And now he is mad. But I can't stop there. Snarky comment after snarky comment, I can see his blood pressure rising. Finally he just tells me to stop and goes to the bedroom. So I start yelling (otherwise he won't hear me, he is in another room trying to ignore me!) about this and that, how I can't stand it when he ignores me.
Just a calm voice "Stop yelling or you are getting a spanking"
"OH really!! Yeah I bet!" Then I go on to complain more loudly about this and that. Now I hear him say that in the morning I'll be getting a spanking. I yell back at him that if he really meant it he would do it now. He told me that would be breaking the rules since he was so mad at me.
I am now fuming that he is STILL ignoring me by not coming in the kitchen, I have to take the dogs out again, and I don't wanna go to bed with him because I know we are going to bed mad. Well, one of us was. He fell asleep just fine. I fumed and played stupid games on my iphone till I was too tired to do it anymore.
I was a little sorry when I woke up. I made us a good breakfast and he still wasn't really talking to me. When he started the shower I was sure he was not going to make good on his threat.
"So I'm not getting spanked after all."
"Oh you are"
Now I am more annoyed that he is going to spank me after my bum is wet, and that will sting more! Also because I know how much time we have and it's not going to be a serious spanking (I don't want it but I also know I deserve it). More annoyed because he is asking me if I want pants or no pants. I don't wear the pants!! He should be making that decision! (I picked pants btw) I got a warm up and then he was asking why I got a spanking. I told him "Yelling when you told me to stop. But I'm not sorry. You were ignoring me and I missed you and I just wanted to talk."
"Even so, it's not okay to talk to me that way, and when I tell you to stop I mean it. Do you understand?"
"Yeah, but I'm still not sorry."
I feel like the situation was not resolved, that I'm allowed to do those behaviours because I can without being held accountable. I feel like if he is just too tired or out of time or won't make time its because he doesn't care.
This is the first time I've yelled like this in a while, and I AM sorry. I know the reason why I acted like that and told him and I feel like he just doesn't "get it". Huff and Puff. I know we are still just beginning but that doesn't stop me from being sad.
Please feel free to leave advice or tips!
~Anna
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ReplyDeleteSorry...bad typo in the first comment.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'd be sad too. Here's what I've noticed around here. If I blow up at my husband over something completely legit (as you did), his focus moves from what he did wrong to how he needs to hold me accountable for what I did. We usually find a way to talk after he has spanked and he then understands why I was so upset. BUT...it works so much better if I don't blow up. I can then calmly ask him to sit down and tell him, for example, how much I enjoy when he stays close when I'm working in the kitchen and how it hurts when he shuts down during dinner. Not so much throwing blame out but letting him know that it hurt your feelings. It forces him to focus on what has made me sad without any bad behavior to distract him. LOL Anna, communication is tough. Just try it a slightly different way next time and see how it works. I hope you'll get a chance to talk this incident through with him.
Your blog title, Learning DD ....'together' ....... :)
ReplyDeleteIt's tough at times Anna, so don't feel you're alone in how you feel. Talk is the main factor. Hard though it is to do. Hope you get it sorted out.
Dee x
Thanks guys, both your comments made me feel better. He has told me a hundred times, once I start yelling I won't get a darn thing from him. I don't like to but I think in my head yelling = you can hear me better :P Not in the real world though! I will definitely try to stay calm and talk to him Susie. Dee, you're right, it is us together. Gotta remember that part!
ReplyDeleteAnna...From a HOH standpoint, when my wife starts yelling I do shutdown because I hear a lot of rabbling that skips around or as I like to say..go all the way around the barn just to get to the front door when it would have been so much easier to walk through the gate...(makes sense if you were to hear it) anyway,Dee is right...be calm and talk it out...It took me awhile to catch on and then we did the Boot Camp and now it's a priority for me to really listen and really hear my wife...Good luck...Drop by my wife's blog and see her journey..at masterbgift...and mine...
ReplyDeleteGMD, yup the barn thing totally makes sense! I will check you both out, great to see things from a HOH view!Thanks :D
ReplyDeleteMy "H" and I are sort of in a point like this too. (we have only really been doing this since thanksgiving)
ReplyDeleteLearning this together is hard, BUT I do believe that these blogs help so much!!!
You can find great advice here
Well, it's good he didn't spank when he's mad, we have a fifteen minute rule for that. He doesn't like to wait..he wants to deal with it and have it resolved. Being ignored hurts- but they shut down and they hurt too.
ReplyDeleteLearn to let a little time pass..try to calm down and tell yourself the truth rather than let emotions turn into actions and then you are a slave to them. I constantly have to keep this in mind. It's hard, I know!
With us, even if I calm myself..if I was disrespectful I'll still get a spanking. But at least I can get in a submissive mind set and accept my consequences.
He's still learning. Be thankful that he's not pushing you too fast. Believe me, there will come a time when he won't let you decide if you are bare or not. So enjoy it while it lasts ;)
Stormy
I think that consistency is one of the things most overlooked by Dominants in the beginning.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is though...You're both learning right? And things don't always go at the pace we want or in the way we want, but that's a big part of it too--learning to accept their way while they figure out exactly What their way is.
And Stormy's right--those choices don't last long, so enjoy it now!
Stormy, I like the 15 min rule. I will tell him about it. I will try to enjoy this time :P
ReplyDeleteLil, I just read "the surrendered wife" and I am trying to surrender to his pace, it's just hard. I think with a lot of women around here we have read everything back and forth and know everything about DD, but he hasn't read as much. I will try to keep his pace!
Thanks for the comments :D